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Well. I just turned 23. Yikes time is flying by. I feel like I wish I could relive the last 10 years of my life in much, much slower motion. I feel like I've always been in such a hurry. Lived fast, loved fast, decided fast, changed fast, fast, fast, fast. I think I'm learning to slow down. I wish I had learned this earlier; I feel like there are so many things and people and places I should've/could've spent more time with/on. I hope I'm learning now to slow down. I just don't want to grow up yet. I know I'm young but I also know I'm not THAT young. I wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life, but I guess I should learn to have more fun trying to find out. I feel like, lately, I'm striving to reach these destinations and I'm just totally disregarding life between then and now. Like, I want to go back to school, so I'm focused on figuring that all out, but in the meantime I'm not really enjoying and marinating in all these days that are passing; like I'm trying to just skip forward to that point where I've got it figured out. Except I'm realizing that once I get there I'm going to feel like I missed out on the whole journey, and forgot to love the days I had when I had them.
I think I'm really stuck hard in the inbetween stage of growing up and being a grown up. Like I'm neither growing nor grown. I don't know if this is a stage that is supposed to exist. I want to learn to enjoy every single moment - that used to come so naturally to me, but the older I get the more I have to think about the future and the less I feel I can live totally in the present. I remember being told to enjoy being young when I was young. I wish I had understood what that meant, because I enjoyed it, but I wish I could have savored every moment so much more. I wish I could remember how to savor every moment, now.
I wish had more money, or James had more money. I know it's not that important, but it would make a nice difference. I hate not having things figured out, but I'm scared once it's all figured out there will be nothing left of life. I wish I wasn't scared of student loans. I wish I could quit work, go back to school, and still be able to pay the bills. Even if James could support both of us completely on his salary, which he can't, I just wouldn't feel right with him working to support us just so I could go to school and la dee da. I'd like to work part time again, but I would lose my health insurance and benefits, and I know I would really miss the money, plus that would make the bills really tight, and I'd be forced to use student loans. I'm going to have to take out loans. I realize this. I do.
Our wedding is postponed indefinitely, basically. We just can afford it, and my parents surely can't. And I'm still not willing to get a legal marriage anyway until the rest of the US starts following the constitution. Regardless of personal opinions and beliefs, i don't understand how any intelligent, educated person can look at the history of our country where EVERY TIME we denied BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS to ANY group of people (be it women, blacks, asians, ect.) WE WERE WRONG and eventually granted the rights that already, constitutionally, should have been granted to these groups of people. EVERY TIME. How can a country ignore their entire history? Will we EVER learn from our mistakes?
And we still can't agree on the whole last name situation, not that it's a major argument. It's my name, and ultimately my decision, which I thik James know and respects, even if he wholeheartledy disagrees. It's not that I'm unwilling to take his name, it's that I'm unwilling to do something, anything, just because that's how it's "supposed" to be done. Well, it's "supposed" to be done because marriage used to be a transfer of property from man to man, property being the woman exchanged from father to husband. Well, I don't belong to my father, and I won't belong to James. So, if there is a reasonable argument for my taking his last name, which couldn't be solved just as easily from him taking my last name, then I just may open my mind to it. Until then, my stance will remain that he can, at the very least, take my last name as a second middle name, legally. After all, if it's not a big deal, as all you men argue, than what would be the big deal in that?
Now that I've started writing, I really feel like I have a lot to say, and I think I'm remembering why I used to use this thing in the first place. However, our sheets really need to be washed, especially with James having been sick, so it's off to my parent's house for laundry part two.
I think I'm really stuck hard in the inbetween stage of growing up and being a grown up. Like I'm neither growing nor grown. I don't know if this is a stage that is supposed to exist. I want to learn to enjoy every single moment - that used to come so naturally to me, but the older I get the more I have to think about the future and the less I feel I can live totally in the present. I remember being told to enjoy being young when I was young. I wish I had understood what that meant, because I enjoyed it, but I wish I could have savored every moment so much more. I wish I could remember how to savor every moment, now.
I wish had more money, or James had more money. I know it's not that important, but it would make a nice difference. I hate not having things figured out, but I'm scared once it's all figured out there will be nothing left of life. I wish I wasn't scared of student loans. I wish I could quit work, go back to school, and still be able to pay the bills. Even if James could support both of us completely on his salary, which he can't, I just wouldn't feel right with him working to support us just so I could go to school and la dee da. I'd like to work part time again, but I would lose my health insurance and benefits, and I know I would really miss the money, plus that would make the bills really tight, and I'd be forced to use student loans. I'm going to have to take out loans. I realize this. I do.
Our wedding is postponed indefinitely, basically. We just can afford it, and my parents surely can't. And I'm still not willing to get a legal marriage anyway until the rest of the US starts following the constitution. Regardless of personal opinions and beliefs, i don't understand how any intelligent, educated person can look at the history of our country where EVERY TIME we denied BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS to ANY group of people (be it women, blacks, asians, ect.) WE WERE WRONG and eventually granted the rights that already, constitutionally, should have been granted to these groups of people. EVERY TIME. How can a country ignore their entire history? Will we EVER learn from our mistakes?
And we still can't agree on the whole last name situation, not that it's a major argument. It's my name, and ultimately my decision, which I thik James know and respects, even if he wholeheartledy disagrees. It's not that I'm unwilling to take his name, it's that I'm unwilling to do something, anything, just because that's how it's "supposed" to be done. Well, it's "supposed" to be done because marriage used to be a transfer of property from man to man, property being the woman exchanged from father to husband. Well, I don't belong to my father, and I won't belong to James. So, if there is a reasonable argument for my taking his last name, which couldn't be solved just as easily from him taking my last name, then I just may open my mind to it. Until then, my stance will remain that he can, at the very least, take my last name as a second middle name, legally. After all, if it's not a big deal, as all you men argue, than what would be the big deal in that?
Now that I've started writing, I really feel like I have a lot to say, and I think I'm remembering why I used to use this thing in the first place. However, our sheets really need to be washed, especially with James having been sick, so it's off to my parent's house for laundry part two.
loved
sick
frustrated
thanks in advance!